Shape the ship
Let's talk about shaping, reshaping and deshaping our relationships.
We start the session kinda in a way even before I sit down, kinda in a way even before I walk in. Walking towards the front door, I notice a dim light in the room. He repositioned the ambient lantern light towards the seats. As I reach for the door handle of the front door, anticipating the sound from the movement sensor, I hear a ding-dong in my head.
“You are seen.”As I am putting off my shoes, I tell them my observation, that we completely cancelled the big lights, out loud. “Of course, you expressed your preferences. And it actually suits me as well”. Huh, expressed my preferences … does not sound like me … wait this isn’t a preference, nor a wish, it was just a comment, a statement, mere observation that big lights are not as pleasant as the ambient … why would you follow it … weird.
Sit. Breath.
“How are you?” I am well, but there’s this weird feeling about it. That at therapy I am well again. Am I hiding anything? Not really, since there is optimism and gratitude inside me, present as much as ever lately. But I do feel a bit of stress behind my facade.
“Last time you mentioned you might step away. From therapy, that you’re not getting what you want.” - Huh? Sounds like me. Could be. Actually no clue on what was the context of this ‘observation’.
We start to discuss the way we interact and they are extremely curious on how could our interaction suit me more, support me more, provide me more of what I need, and all of a sudden I see this as a separate entity. The conversation is its own shape and form. It has rules, it has topic and it has direction. More so like a train. This one is definitely a train, an easy Sunday ride through the countryside. Slow. Observational. But getting somewhere.
I observe how I see majority of interactions this way. Not just singular conversations, relationships as well. And I am enjoying this a lot. What I am not enjoying is, when shape does not suit me. Or when reshaping is very hard. Or when at least it seems hard. Or even worse, when reshaping feels like I have to reject or set boundary to a person that cares for me.
“So, I understand the expressed need at the last session to step away is broader, not relating only to therapy, yet if you try getting in the past version of yourself, what could I or us do differently to address this need of stepping away, what could help you get to the things that you find missing at the therapy?”
I see this picture. I clearly see we are still with this conversation on a journey of its own. It has shape and direction. In between the conversation, I have urges of thoughts of what I experienced in between the sessions. Thoughts, as well as actual feelings, emotions. But these cannot just barge in, like a drunken man, who interrupts our conversation with his own ‘clever’ thought, declaring “I have a feeling!”.
It’s awful on many ways. Impolite. Disrespectful. To them, to me. To us. To the entity of this interaction. All this different multidimensional beings would need to suddenly acknowledge the fact that a screaming cat just barged in in the middle of the night, demanding to be fed or pet or whatever it thinks it wants. Could it be screaming, since I have not addressed a proper care to it in a very long time, if at any time at all?
Anyway I cannot do it. A part of me wants to have fluidity in the interactions. The poeticness of it all going by its own way, the poeticness of things connecting back to each other - that I cannot resist.
Yet, I am supported in giving a voice to this cat. I say what is behind the “I’m doing well”, the inner stress that I feel.
We discuss on how I could address this stress and slowly give space to make the situation different for me, but soon we come back to the reshaping of the interaction. Is it conversation about my outside relationships or our conversation, becomes of mere importance. It poetically circled back to experiencing it all as one.
I tend to overtake the responsibility of the other. "If it would not suit them, then they would make a change. And for the fact I know they want it differently than I do. So how can I set my boundary, express my preference, when the shape of this ship is already set as it is, nor is there need for a different ship on the other side?"
There’s power only in my hands. And this hands, and this power is set to destroy, to reject, to not offer as it is pleased. I struggle with this, as why do I have to reject, as to why I see setting boundaries as a rejection. I am stressed that the power is in me, yet I am not giving a chance to redistribute the power. A pain from old past remains, and I interpret agreeing with submissiveness. I cannot trust that someone is secure in me, in themselves.
As I do not trust myself, I do not trust others. Time spending alone feels pleasant, but it is never structured. The set boundaries are not terrible only for they are set for others, but also for myself. But now it needs to be, so that I do not eat myself alive trying to run life of possibilities.
Wanting a change, I see solution in stepping away. Truth is, in there, in where I would step away to, could be also space to shape relationship with myself. Truth is also, I am scared of shaping and fond of letting it happen on its own. If only I was patient enough, then this could work.
But then there are glimpses of my relationships with friends, family and those closer to me where interactions are all sorts of different shapes. And now I know I actually enjoy those in which the interactions reshapes, forming different transportation mediums. But am I encouraged enough to not only passively wait for the re-shaping, am I empowered enough to also actively set my preferences, my boundaries, and shape the relationship in front of me into a multi-galactic-ship ready to take me places? Am I willing to be its captain, its engineer, its maintenance, its guide?
Responsibility of a passenger is simple. Observe, enjoy and do no harm. Responsibility of a designer, captain and maintenance is vast and unknown.
* This post was supported by pourring presence of two lovely souls, Cilka & Roda, who I catsit these days - masters of boundaries and devotion. Masha, thanks for this responsibility.